Let's take a trip back in time when former All-American halfbacks could become one of the nation's top inventors and use their scientific erudition to battle evil wherever they found it. Where is all this excitement happening? Comic books, of course. These days, All-American halfbacks only use their scientific erudition for shampoo commercials.
Yes, it's Wizard Wells, scientific miracle man! Together with "Tug", who provides "doubtful" assistance when not wasting his allowance money on swing records sung by "moaning morons", they wander the streets of the city looking for excitement and adventure wherever their "air quotes" will lead them!
Shocked - shocked I say- to find a boxer getting into street fights on the slightest provocation. So out of character.
One highlight of the Golden Age of Comics is the weird inconsistency of the artwork, as pages were passed from artist to artist in an attempt to meet punishing deadlines. This means that Tug here can have a head that swells alarmingly, while Wizard Wells seems to be shrinking. Or maybe that's one of his amazing scientific powers.
The Wizard's mental genius allows him to grasp even the most obscure underworld slang - by "dame", he means a woman! Of course!
Not sure what Mary is doing here. Shrinking, kneeling, is the Wizard standing on a box, who knows. Look, it's 1940, Photoshop won't be invented for another fifty or sixty years, tracing from other artists is all they've got and by golly they're gonna use it!
The Incredible Shrinking Tug is sent out to buy unpronounceable supplies and then put to work painting every square inch of the record store, while Wizard Wells stands around smoking a pipe and taking his hat on and off.
I knew criminals were a cowardly, superstitious lot, but I did not expect them to literally be afraid of their own shadows.
The trick is accomplished using a black light and phosphorescent paint, which in thirty years will be used to produce some of the most amazing, tripped-out poster art ever. But for now, let's leave Tug to the task of painting the walls in twenty different stores in the neighborhood. By the way, Tug, don't get any of that paint on your skin or in your mouth, it causes cancer. But you don't know that yet, do you, Wizard?
So here's the plan, paint the walls in 20 stores, be in any one of those 20 stores at the exact moment a racketeer comes in, scare him with the shadow and the spooky voice, hope the racketeer is a dumb-ass chump afeared of haints and spooks, and hot diggety! You're fighting crime!
Naturally this crime-busting will attract the attention of The Big Boss. Will he speak in an affected ethnic accent? I bet he will!
Ayyy! Youse little bambinos, make with the scram! I need leetle talk with thees "skirt"! My hand, she make-a the gestures all by herself! It's a, how you say, "stereotype!"
You know the expression "hot as a pistol"? Wizard Wells here is bringing it to life with his amazing wizardry!
How'd he do it? He bathed the entire room in shortwave radio waves, causing all metal objects to heat up! It's kind of like what happens when you put tinfoil in the microwave! In fact, it's almost exactly like that. Sorry about those internal organs, by the way.
WIZARD WELLS APPEARS EACH MONTH IN CRACK COMICS. Ask your local dealer for CRACK!
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