Let's start the new year out right with a pledge to one another to be as safe as we possibly can. Comic books are an important part of that safety plan! Nothing's safer than staying safely in your room wallowing in your comic book collection. Just dump 'em all out on the floor and roll around in 'em. Safe as houses. You can also read comic books about safety, but that's not actually that safe, what with loose staples and the ever present threat of paper cuts. Anyway here's one of 'em.

Well now! Throat-constricting bow ties, lack of proper knee and elbow protection, uncomfortable loafers, and waddling around with giant dots instead of human torsos? This all makes these so-called "Safety Twins" out to be pretty darn unsafe! Can the content of their stories make up for their ostensible un-safety?

You know those knights of old could risk their lives jousting because they had iron suits. Or they could just, you know, not joust and instead be one of those guys in the stands with a giant turkey leg and a tankard of ale, hollering "Huzzah" and "Forsooth" and whatever else they exclaimed back in those days. That's pretty safe. If you don't have an iron suit, you'd better be careful crossing the street! In fact, an iron suit isn't going to do you any good at all against a Packard doing 30 or 35mph. I don't even know why they brought it up.

If you were ever wondering whether or not a truck was larger than a bicycle, well, we hope this comic story will solve this conundrum for you, as we pause just as Jimmy and his big brother hop on their bike and race down city streets towards their appointment with destiny.

Mercifully this comic gives the boys a second chance at life and spares us the bloody horror of truck vs bike collison. Wimps!

Meanwhile, the year was 1843 and the readers of the Safety Twins comic book were wondering just what the hell the Oregon Trail had to do with safety.

Safety tips pale into insignificance compared to the importance of working in a reference to our sponsor, the fine people at your local J.C. Penney's. Shop there today!

And finally they made it to Oregon, where they immediately started complaining about all the people moving to Portland.

Now - back to childhood safety theater!

You know, the suburbs take a lot of heat for being sterile, wasteful, car-dependent backwaters full of cookie-cutter McMansions, chemically enhanced lawns, and restrictive homeowners associations. But at least kids have yards to play in, and they aren't forced to run in the street like urchins! Not that that stopped us from playing in our suburban streets as kids but hey, at least we had the option of sometimes playing in yards. Now stop setting bad examples for the younger kids! Go over two blocks to the playground and play ball there... until the teenagers show up, of course. Unless you want to buy some reefer or goof balls.

Meanwhile in 1822 readers wonder just what the hell Rosa Bonheur has to do with safety. Did you know the canvas of her most famous painting - "The Horse Fair" - measured eight feet tall and sixteen feet wide? How safe is that? Imagine if it fell on somebody!

Back to the mid 20th century for another exciting tale of Kid Vs Car. Will we see a child actually injured? Nope, the Go and Stop Twins will stand idly by while life and limb are threatened, later hollering at the shaking almost-victim, who is probably in a state of shock and maybe needs a change of underwear. The last thing he needs is some kid with a flattened disc body yelling at him.

Eisenhower's Safety Patrol Draft legislation hasn't made it through Congress yet, and until it does, we'll have to be our own Security Police! Keep "Safety" in your every thought and deed, morning, noon, and night - or you'll find yourself in Safety Prison being re-oriented towards Safety using the most modern methods of brain... what? Not yet? Okay. Never mind.

What happens when wayward youth ignore the orders of their rightfully-appointed Safety Superiors? Why they might run out into the street and engage in a spirited game of stickball, risking fate and the speeding automobiles of a busy city. Are we finally going to see some safety-message-reinforcing carnage?

Okay! We have a bad driver, we have two oblivious children catching a fly ball, and we have the off-camera exclamation "LOOK OUT!" Surely somebody's going to the hospital after this one.

Nope... merely a Whew That Was Close and a Boy We Got Lucky and the Safety Twins yelling Stop and Go and Don't and Do and Safe. Stay safe everybody! My advice is to spend as much time as you can in your local J.C. Penney's. You will certainly be undisturbed by customers.