0. Stupid Comics

WHAT, I ask you, what could have caused this rift between dollar store Jackie Kennedy and bargain basement Dean Martin? Did she catch him canoodling with other girls? Was he too forward in his sexual advances? She wishes!

FLASH FORWARD to our two celebrity stand-ins meeting up a long time after their break-up, wherein Jane attempts to dissolve like so much cotton candy in a river but is instead about to be trampled by horses like so much tumbleweed. Anyway, meeting up with an ex is always so awkward! Just do what I do and pretend to have amnesia, Jane.

"Come to dinner with me, you can't possibly have anything better to do" isn't what I'd call a good come-on line but she is clearly thirsty af.

Little late to pretend to have amnesia now, Jane. Might as well get a free meal out of it.

Ted and Jane hurry past a couple from another romance comic story as they go towards what Jane assumes is a little French restaurant. Unfortunately Ted thinks her favourite restaurant is a family buffet with all-you-can-eat fried chicken and a chocolate fountain. But what great romantic date DOESN'T start off with deep, deep regret?

While ducking her head under the chocolate fountain, Jane reflects on the first time big man on campus Ted ever deigned to speak to little old her. She however skips over the rest of the reminisence, in which, seconds later, she grabs that one girl's head by the hair and slams it against the bathroom sink. Then she shivs the other girl. That's a rough school she went to! More like a reform school, really.But I digress.

hmmm well that's great sounds like a nice romance after all!

Oh well, look on the bright side Jane, maybe those aren't lovey-dovey couples, maybe you're just witnessing several sexual assaults. Maybe it's perfectly normal for a boy to never actually lay a hand on his girlfriend?

He admittedly does look a little too happy to unload her for the evening without so much as a goodnight handshake, though. Wonder what's going on with him?

Why? Why? Why have you been friendzoned to within an inch of your life? I have an idea but this is a DC romance comic from the 1960s after all.

Finally, on a romantic drive across an unpaved field atop a steep cliff overlooking the ocean, Ted confesses his feelings... "I like you Jane. LIKE! I'm a loner Janey, a rebel."

Whatever thoughts were going through his head, I hope he wasn't dense enough to think the "just friends" speech would come across as a compliment but I guess oxygen deprivation due to Extreme Horniness has clouded her judgement a bit.

Well that's something at least; he's not interested in sex or even a makeout but at least he, uh, doesn't actively want her to die?

Look Jane, you and I both know what's going on here. Let me give you a hint; those binoculars are pointed straight at Hanlan's Point Beach. And brother, can Hanlan ever point!

I mean, c'mon. You must know what the problem is.

To be honest though I'm not sure what's going on in this panel. Is she sitting on the grass while he stands behind her with his arm resting on her back? Could the problem just be that neither of them learned what a hug is?

No, I think we know what the problem is. He's rushing her past that Tunnel of Love like a little kid runs past a spooky graveyard, and all of her psychic mind-control efforts are for naught.

Don't ask her why, because this is a DC comic from 1964 and she cannot, by law, tell you the obvious reason why! The Comics Code must be upheld!

FLASH FORWARD again-- remember most of this was just a prolonged flashback-- to Ted's $64,000 question, because of course he wants a goddamn exit interview from a girl he barely held hands with four years ago.

OK now he's on his knees BEGGING her to tell him she loves him but you'll note he never actually says he loves her. It's obvious at this juncture that he's spent the past four years trying to find a woman willing to be his "beard", and has only found one so far who has any tolerance whatsoever for the complete lack of physical intimacy he offers. Don't do it Jane! It's clear that a sexless marriage wouldn't provide you with any happiness or satisfaction, and he's just using you...

...wait, did he just tell her tie him down?

Come to think of it, a marriage that begins merely for convenience can have a lot of rewards in its own way, and Jane is an adult who is capable of making her own decisions with her eyes wide open and if he's willing to indulge her fetishes right from the start maybe they can make it work, I mean who am I to offer advice to these two lovebirds? Well maybe "lovebirds" is too strong, "likebirds" is probably more accurate but I suppose if he's that open to new experiences it can work out after all...?

On the other hand, it's the end of the story and he STILL can't quite bring himself to actually kiss her so who's to say. Only the waiter, and he ain't telling.

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