0. Stupid Comics

If there are two things kids love, it's delicious cold beverages with great fruit flavors, and computers. There's a third thing they love, too, and that thing is comic books. If only there was some way to combine these things into one irresistible package! Maybe a comic book printed with powdered drink mix crystals that you read on a computer, or a big tub of drink mix with a comic book floating in it, all sitting on top of a computer, or a computer built of out of comic books with the computer monitor image being projected onto a frozen chunk of fruity drink... the possibilities are endless.

Well, fret no more kids. From the same people who brought you "Are you Benjamin Franklin? Yes I am, and I'm also HOT and THIRSTY!" and the wall-crashing "not all men" meme, it's The Adventures Of Kool-Aid Man, that Marvel licensed giveaway comic produced by comic book greats like Jim Salicrup and Dan DeCarlo that may be the only American comic books starring a character whose right hand is never without an ice cold pitcher of himself.

I know that "compu-terror" is something that sounds legit terrifying. But is the best way to fight it really a giant pitcher who crashes through walls? For the sake of this comic we will say YES

Kool-Aid Man is the most fun-loving hero of all! It says so right at the top and comic books can't lie, so it has to be true. Captain Recreational Drugs and Super Spouse-Swapper both have to doff their caps in the fun department to Kool-Aid Man! Why, right here the fun is beginning with two kids, an old man, and one of those tiny houses we're forcing millenials to live in. Fun!

Scott Stevens here proudly boasts that he can whip any home computer with the power of political correctness. Soon he'll have that home computer complaining about the PC Police, bemoaning the War On Christmas, and asking why they can't casually drop racial slurs any more, right along with all the other Fox News commentators.

Wait, I'm sorry, in this usage "P.C." doesn't stand for Political Correctness, it stands for "Plain Chocolate" which is what you order at the Varsity when you want a little chocolate milk carton to go along with your chili dog and your glorified. Something to cut the grease. Trust me, you'll need it. (this reference brought to you by the City Of Atlanta Tourism Bureau)

Your password needs to be at least eight characters long and contain at least one capital letter, one number, and one symbol character, and will need to be changed every 30 days. Every service and device you use will require a unique password. Oh yeah, we're gonna start making your car require a password, too. Have fun with the rest of your life!

I'll say this for the professor - shutting off the master switch every time you leave the house is a good idea, unless you like every appliance and device drawing standby power and increasing your electricity bill up to ten percent in some households. Not Professor Kline!

"Now I've seen everything!" here means "I've never read a Richie Rich comic, at least not one starring his robot maid!"

Gee, people getting hot and uncomfortable in a Kool-Aid promotional comic? What are the chances?

There's no AC, the doors don't work, the phones are dead, and there are no windows, just video screens. I guess this neighborhood is zoned for "death trap."

Aren't we all prisoners of the Compu-Terror, really? Think about it.

Don't worry though, whenever people are hot and thirsty, all they need to is cry out HEY KOOL-AID and then stand back, because somewhere near you a wall is getting a big hole smashed through it!

Okay, first off, "Electric Warriors" was a short-lived DC comic from 1986 that is now getting revived for some reason. Secondly, "Electric Warrior" was the best-selling second LP from pioneering glam rock act T.Rex. Thirdly, computers cannot cause blenders to fly through the air. Unless you used a computer to email somebody, maybe Marc Bolan (if he was alive), and have him or her toss an electrical appliance across the room at Kool-Aid Man. Maybe that's what's happening here.

Now even Fake Irona has entered the fray. Kick her fake metal butt, Kool-Aid Man!

But as a drink mix spokespitcher, Kool-Aid Man is forbidden from direct involvement in the affairs of mankind, except in the case of mankind's walls.

And who's behind this computer madness? It's Big Thirstie, the corporate conspiracy that keeps natural healing remedies and miracle cures away from a suffering... no, wait, that's Big PHARMA. Sorry. Big Thirstie is completely different.

Before the Ashley Madison hack, before Stuxnet and the Conficker Worm, before the ILOVEYOU virus, there was the Great Big Thirstie Hack of 1985. That one guy you knew in school who had an Apple II was really concerned about it!

Considering that Big Thirstie's previous schemes have pretty much been limited to "making people thirsty," I'd have to agree with Maria here. This IS way up there on the evil scale.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: this would be a good place to show Kool-Aid Man filling their glasses with delicious Kool-Aid)

Remember when we thought it would be a good idea to connect all our banks, hospitals, airports, traffic control systems, governments, and military installations to a worldwide computer network so essential that we couldn't live without it? Why did we think that, exactly?

Big Thirstie isn't doing this for power or money, though. He just wants to spoil everyone's fun. The power and money is just a fringe benefit.

FINALLY e-sports are getting the worldwide recognition they deserve! All it took was a worldwide computer crisis and a talking pitcher of fruit punch!

The winner of this tournament will be crowned King Of Video Games and will use his fame to sell hot sauce and groom his manly mullet hair-do, until such time as it is discovered his "Donkey Kong" high scores were obtained fraudulently, bringing shame not only on himself but also upon the self-appointed authority that ran the whole affair. Never a dull moment in the competitive video game world!

Sure, you could send the Army or the police or the FBI to handle this criminal who has brought the world's digital infrastructure to its knees, but no, we'll just send this giant pitcher whose right hand is always holding a tiny replica of himself, that's who we'll send to solve this worldwide crisis.

OTOH Kool-Aid Man is terrific at wall-breaching, and he doesn't need expensive explosives or protective gear!

Big Thirstie has become one more gold-harvesting, side-quest grinding, eternally levelling video gamer, oblivious to the world around him. Just leave him there, Kool-Aid Man, eventually he'll die of exhaustion.

Wow! You'd think a sentient super-computer capable of penetrating every secure server on Earth would at LEAST use a grounded plug.

It's not really a "ragequit" if you don't quit, right?

IMPORTANT: here we see Kool-Aid Man has PUT THE LITTLE REPLICA OF HIMSELF DOWN and is USING HIS RIGHT HAND. Turns out that little pitcher ISN'T surgically attached, after all!

And with nothing more than a cardboard box Big Thirstie is defeated once again! Now our heroes can kick, back, relax, and have the robot maid dole out tall glasses of delicious Kool-Aid, in new... um.. what flavor is that? Gatorade flavor? It better not be!

Well you know what WE'RE really into, to the exclusion of friends, family, or any aspect of the world around us? Kool-Aid, that's what! Because it's the One For Kids(tm)! Remember that, you computer whiz kids. Now get to work inventing HTML, we have websites to build and Facebook updates to post!

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