0. Stupid Comics

It might be bitter wintertime out there as we write this, but soon enough it'll be spring, and we'll get that first nice weekend of the year, and that means that you'll join thousands of your fellow cabin-fevered survivors desperate for Outdoor Fun in the rush to the nearest bike shop to drop four or five hundred big ones on a bicycle that you'll get exactly two hours of use out of before you lose interest, or it gets stolen, whichever comes first.

But WHICH BIKE should you buy? Why, a SCHWINN, of course. And here to tell us all about why they're best is this promotional comic!

are you ready for BIKE THRILLS? Well, Cantrell's Oddity Shop is the place to find those thrills, I suppose. See the world's fastest bike rider! See famous bikes in history! See all new Schwinn bikes in four colors! See your parents tell you they bought you a bike last year and you left it out in the rain, so fat chance you're getting another one!

Yes 1816, when hats were high, pants were tight, and men did not have the tools to develop modern bicycles! I can imagine after a few hundred yards riding this nightmare their tools would be in very sorry shape indeed. Though I will say Mister Hobby Horse here seems to be enjoying himself quite a bit.

Let's see, we'll build a bicycle that's six feet high and has iron bands for tires. This was before mankind invented things like "safety" or "comfort."

There is NOTHING "Ordinary" about this freakish monstrosity! What was WRONG with people back then? Yeah, I know, EVERYTHING. I'm going to go with lead in the water pipes.

Ah we can bicycle if we want to, we can leave your friends behind
Cause your friends don't bicycle and if they don't bicycle
Well they're are no friends of mine

We can bicycle, we can bicycle
Everybody look at your hands
We can bicycle, we can bicycle
Everybody's taking the ch..icycle

Safe to bicycle
Well it's safe to bicycle
Yes, it's safe to bicycle

THEN IN 1985 Schwinn Bicycles were introduced to the world. The world said "how do you do?" Didja know that you can barge into ANY Schwinn Dealer in the whole world and DEMAND they hand over a Schwinn Tubular Rim for you to try to twist out of shape!? Go on, try it! Bet ya can't!

Why the kids on your block are sure to stop and stare when you ride by in your beautiful new Schwinn Corvette! Mainly because you obviously have invented time travel. Note the important unbiased objective opinion of the Schwinn dealer who suggests you buy this bike IMMEDIATELY.

...and when Schwinn catches up with the guys who are copying their bike there's gonna be TROUBLE!

For the Fair Ladies there's the Fair Lady, which used to be called the M'Lady but that tended to attract a lot of neckbearded fedora-sporting neckbeards. You'll ride like a queen away from those neckbeards and into the arms of your Prince Charming in this beauty of a bike! Remember to brake before actually running into your Prince Charming or injury may occur.

Such an amazing speed record! Note that all-important .92 tacked onto the 108 MPH for Letourneur's record, marvel at attaining this speed while having to ride behind what appears to be Archie Andrews' souped up drag racer, huffing exhaust fumes as he struggled with that giant oversized sprocket, and ask yourself, was he taking "Red Devils" during the entire run, or just at the start?

Hey, cheerful clip-art Young Americans, wouldn't you like to tour the Schwinn factory - the largest bike factory in America? Sure you would! We're not actually going to tell you where it is, however, so you'll have to make do with this comic book version.

Been trying ALL DAY to come up with a gag about "Automatic Screw Machines."


Don't forget if you wanna pit your strength against Schwinn's Tubular Rims, come on down to the factory, you big wimp, and see if you can't twist 'em right off the assembly line! Come on, you wuss! You big sissy! Yeah, that's what I thought!

This is the part you show your parents, because there are like twenty-eight guys here putting Schwinn bikes together, whereas if Dad cheaps it out and buys an inferior model it's just him down there in front of the tree on Christmas Eve trying not to curse out loud as he strips yet another layer of skin off his knuckle while assembling that sad non-Schwinn bicycle. Think about that, Dad.

What kind of bike do the Hollywood movie stars ride? They ride whatever their agents tell them to, if they're smart. If they're not they might hop on one of these things, I guess.

DAREDEVIL OF THE 90S!! That one guy brave enough to hold onto his Apple stock and to not get suckered into investing in Beanie Babies! No, wait, the OTHER 90s, the 1890s, back when men where men and railroads were willing to put some boards between the tracks and let Charles "Mile-a-Minute" Murphy live up to his nickname by riding his bike behind a train, huffing a lot of soot and cinders from the engine and cigar ashes and tobacco juice from the onlookers as he wished desperately that his parents had never named him "Mile-a-Minute" Murphy. What were they thinking?

Hey girls! Here are some bikes for YOU! Let's see. You can be a Starlet, or a Hollywood, or a Pixie, or a Tornado, if you're a particularly destructive young girl whose approach means sirens and taking shelter.

Now here's a bike we can ALL have fun on! Two can ride, and everybody else can stand around and laugh as the two riders vainly attempt to keep their balance! It's a great bike for Mom and Dad; it gives them something really solid to be frustrated and angry about, as opposed to all those nebulous vague things like "fulfillment" or "bankruptcy" or "marital fidelity."

And now here's some bicycle rules. Don't worry, grownups of the 21st century, you can ignore each and every one of these rules. You're protected from harm by an invisible force field powered by your very own sense of smug Urban Cyclist self-satisfaction! It makes broken legs heal up to three percent faster!

Ah yes, the Schwinn Phantom, for those looking for a soft-riding bike. Balloon tires, a wide motorcycle-type saddle, a calm, easy ride for calm, easy riders. Meanwhile, for bicycle enthusiasts of a certain breeding and sophistication, we have... the Wasp.

You don't have to be a W.A.S.P. to ride the Wasp... but it sure helps.

Lubricate those fork bearings! Put that license plate in readable position! Replace those cracked reflectors! Adjust and tighten that saddle! And don't let me catch you riding with loose fender braces or worn pedals! Now get out there and ride, soldier!

And for those young ladies who want to be as glamorous as their favorite TV stars - well, a bicycle isn't going to help you with that. But here's one we're going to try to sell to you anyway. It's sure to set your heart to dancing, which is probably something that you want to see your family doctor about! And if it makes you starry-eyed, stop in at your optometrists as well! Everybody's going to need their eyes and their entire cardiovascular system to be in tip-top shape if they want to get the most fun out of their Schwinn bicycles! That is, if it ever stops snowing.

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