It's a proven fact. Everybody hates clowns! Everything about them is awful. That rictus grin, the horrifyingly ugly and surprisingly threadbare clown suits, their bizarre refusal to stick to one kind of hat, the reek of the greasepaint barely hiding the stink of day-old gin and cigar smoke that every child knows and fears. But nobody hates clowns more than super heroes, and today America's greatest super heroes are gonna pound those clowns back to Clowntown where they came from!
Yes I said "America's greatest super heroes" and I meant it, these four off-brand Dell losers (note the "L"), products of a misguided mid-sixties attempt to cash in on what was then a super-hero craze, are indeed the greatest. Mostly because they vanished and we never heard from them again.
The premise, as we established last time, is that these four teenagers are somehow able to transfer their consciousnesses into four super powerful androids. And now our four teens are at "Pleasureland," which is some sort of amusement attraction where clowns make you laugh until you're sick and then they tie you up and haul you away. I'm sure this constitutes "pleasure" for one or two sickos out there, but I will take a rain check on this entire production, thanks.
"Hey mister clown, that thing you did, well it wasn't very funny!" --says pretty much everybody who ever watched a clown, ever.
And in a stirring indictment of America's failing health care system, a literal clown car ambulance wobbles away.
"This isn't funny any more!" - again, THIS IS WHAT EVERYBODY SAYS ABOUT CLOWN STUFF
I gotta say though, "HORSPITAL" - that's pretty funny.
And so Dan Boyd's first visit to "Pleasureland" ends with him confused and frightened. If this isn't a metaphor for a young man's sexual awakening, I don't know what is! Now get back in there Dan, you can't quit now!
Judging by all the kidnapping, assault, and various gassings, I'm thinking Pleasureland attendees must have to sign one hell of a release form.
And just by standing around looking stupid, our three friends have rescued Polly and saved the day! Why can't modern teens be more like these fine youths?
Malicious stunts, possible injuries, getting tear-gassed by Bozo's drunk cousin, why not call the cops on these clowns? Just drop a dime and go on about your day. Problem solved.
Not sure if a decrepit, rat-infested abandoned opera house is the best place to store your complex crime-fighting androids and keep them in tip-top crime-busting shape, but then again, I guess the rent is cheap.
I like a crime clown that wastes no time in saying "Hey man we're just clowns" and instead whips out the iron and starts blasting. Too many weapons to be honest men? Exactly how MANY weapons are we ALLOWED to have, Mister Gun Control Android? The Second Amendment says a well-regulated clown militia can have all the guns they want!
The amazing super robot android El can move at the speed of light, but hasn't time to look for stairs? He just likes blasting holes in roofs, I guess. Thanks a bunch, super guy.
First you break the roof, now you're dosing everybody with five thousand doctor's visits worth of chest X-rays. You're a real help.
Yawn, another angry clown angry at getting laughed at all the time. Nobody put a giant seltzer bottle to your head and forced you to become a clown, you clown.
I just want to let this one sit right here by itself, a picture of a gorilla holding a man who is shooting rays out of his eyes while thinking about crazy, mixed-up clowns. This right here is what Stupid Comics is all about.
"A little high voltage should discourage you without inflicting permanent harm!" Why would you say that? High voltage electricity kills. You're a killer, you monster.
Why not attend Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Clown College where you can learn juggling, pratfalls, and how to build your own magnetic super robot? Financing available!
That clown doesn't want to hear any jabbering about psychiatric care! He wants Magno-Man to Magno-Mangle!! So yeah, are we about to finally see some super-guy versus magnetic robot punching and kicking, some of the super heroic action super hero comics are all about? It sure looks like it!
Darn it, this is a Dell comic, and that means NO FIGHTING. Just a big magnet sticking El's android parts together like a bunch of metal filings stuck to Wooly Willy's face (Wooly Willy Magnetic Drawing Toy is TM the Smethport Novelty Co, Smethport PA).
And this whole time the other teens have been standing around like deactivated androids next to the deactivated androids in the opera house, waiting to remember that they have radios with which they talk to El and find out how badly he's losing. This they now do.
Just think, you could insert your mental being into a super android, leaving your pitiful human shell to slump on the dirty floor of an abandoned, soon to be condemned building! I wonder how many rat bites those kids will have when they come back to their bodies. Five? Ten?
Yes, down there in that area, that's the general direction of "Pleasureland", all right.
Recruiting an army of secret crime clowns, building an amusement park, amassing a phalanx of "Crazy Trains" for your assault on three banks... once again we're confronted with a criminal scheme that probably costs more to implement than it nets in loot. Why don't these crime clowns ever think in terms of return on investment?
And YES we now all have "Crazy Train" stuck in our heads. Thanks "Super Heroes."
Tripped by ropes, caught in nets. Some real super heroing going on here. At least the clown has something to laugh at!
Is Meeth carrying "all the cash in the city" on that little motorbike? Did he stop off at the last un-looted bank and have the small bills changed into ten-thousand dollar bills? Maybe that's why they quit circulating the things!
At least we're getting a little bit of super-power action from our super heroes, using non-harmful super powers like freezing and making loud noises. Hell, my kitchen can do all that, but nobody's making a comic book about my kitchen versus a gang of crime clowns, are they? They aren't. I checked.
Now I'm sure you're all really worried about El being magnetically clamped by that Magno robot - not to be confused with Magnos, the English language version of Magne-Robo Gakeen, the Japanese super robot who saves the Earth from the evil alien Xerxes Tire-Iron Dada. I wonder how El is going to get out of this predicament?
Well, El got out of his predicament by letting the writer write a paragraph of narration explaining what happened, and it all happened off-panel so the artist didn't have to draw it. Now that's thoughtful.
Who's laughing NOW, mister angry crime clown? Certainly not the readers. And so our super heroes clear out before the police start asking questions, questions like "who stopped all the crime clowns and then left suddenly so that all the crime clowns could run away and evade capture? Surely Super Heroes with their very own comic book wouldn't do such a thing."
So what have we learned? Clowns are evil (we knew that already), teens can sometimes control super androids, rat bites are painful, and remember... always leave them laughing!
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