This week's journey into the world of Stupid Comicdom takes a look at that most special time in a young girl's life, in which her most emotional day becomes even more important to her and everyone around her!
Yes, Supergirl's perhaps most traumatic day is merely grist for the reprint mill at DC, here reprinting a story barely six years old, in the hopes that earlier readers will either have grown up and abandoned comics entirely, or are profoundly mentally disabled. And with dialogue like "Help us... we're Batman and Robin!" I think we know what the editors think of their readers.
That lucky Superman gets to fly around and destroy battleships on TV while Linda Lee is stuck pretending to be an orphan. Well, she IS an orphan, so I guess that part isn't pretending. Why can't she perform important rescues and demolish old battleships like her cousin Superman?
Supergirl's boredom is relieved by a heat beam melting an entire mountaintop. This looks like a job for... the Linda Robot! Go, Linda Robot! Pretend to be Linda Lee like you always do, and hope that the reader doesn't see how poorly this reflects on Supergirl's personality, that she can easily be replaced by a robot and nobody notices the difference!
Hey Superman? When your dog has to get people's attention by destroying entire mountains with his heat vision, that's a problem.
Whenever Kryptonite threatens our Super-friends, who can we count on to provide useful objects just floating around in orbit ready for Supergirl's possible need? The Defense Department, that's who. Keep shooting those missiles into space, guys!
And there goes another expensive piece of Raytheon equipment off into the void. Our tax dollars at work!
Without a pause it's down to Atlantis to help out Superman's Ex Lori Lemaris and her extended family of telepathic snoopers. Learn some boundaries, Jerro
I know Hollywood makes a lot of changes when they adapt these things for movies, but hey - people underwater, beards, tridents - this sure looks like that "Aquaman" movie to me!
(FULL DISCLOSURE: I have not seen the movie "Aquaman")
Oh no, your lame weapons have no effect! How can we fight... any enemy, really?
Even "telepathically controlling sentient beings to do your will" isn't working. And why should it? Meanwhile King Neptune's Magic Trident is going to make Malo the Ruler of Atlantis, and to be honest, maybe that's OK? I don't know how Atlantis is ruled. Maybe whoever has the Magic Trident gets to run things. Not my problem.
Even Supergirl's superpowers are useless. It's time for her to try the ultimate weapon - bribery!
Supergirl read a book once and knows that squid have squid ink they release when threatened or frightened. No need for the quotes around "ink" - it's real ink! You can buy it in bottles! Maybe Supergirl should just carry some squid ink around in her utility belt!
FUN FACT: this multiple-trident strategy also works when fighting Hot Stuff The Little Devil!
Wow! What a day for Supergirl! She can't even straighten up a storage room without Batman somehow overpowering all national radio networks to let everybody in America know he's in trouble and needs Superman's help! Not a good look for the Grim Avenger Of The Dark, one might think.
So Supergirl's brilliant idea is to asphyxiate her school pals. Sure, oxygen deprivation, whatever, they can't possibly be harmed. Now to change to Supergirl!
Maybe if Supergirl didn't keep digging tunnels into the Batcave walls, the Batcave walls wouldn't be so prone to collapsing. I'm just saying.
I also wanna point out that if you ever have to draw the Batcave yourself, all you have to do is put a poster of the Joker on the wall and throw a giant penny in there somewhere. That's all you need!
Luckily for Supergirl's fellow orphans, it takes about six minutes without oxygen for the brain to suffer irreversible damage. I guess Supergirl's gamble paid off - this time. I wonder how test scores have been doing in Midvale lately? And just when Supergirl is ready to get some well deserved rest, here's Superman calling her with Super-Ventriloquism, and no, nobody's sure how that's supposed to work.
There comes a time in every young girl's life when her only relative... commands her to take off her clothes right now!
Get your mind out of the gutter, you creeps - Superman is merely going to show Supergirl some... make up tips. Yes, in the days before YouTube tutorials, gals had to learn how to use foundation and eyeliner from their super cousins from Krypton.
SUPRISE Supergirl, it's your 16th birthday! What girl wouldn't want to spend her Sweet Sixteen with her cousin, and her cousin's ex, and that ex's current husband, and a creepy guy from Atlantis, and your cousin's two friends from work? Doesn't Supergirl have any friends of her own? And SERIOUSLY BATMAN, you made her a "Batgirl" costume? Aren't you supposed to be some sort of swinging international playboy? Don't you have SOME idea what girls want for presents? Here's a hint. Jewelry.
DOUBLE SURPRISE, all the super dangers she faced today were faked by Superman and his super pals! He built a flying saucer and Krypto pretended to be kidnaped, and Superman put on a fake beard and pretended to be an Atlantean super criminal!
I'm not too surprised that Superman would fake all these disasters, but I want to know how exactly Superman was able to communicate telepathically as if he was from Atlantis. Is that a thing Superman can do? I forget. I'm also interested to learn that Neptune's Trident was actually real, which implies that the god Neptune is real, and that we are three or four thousand years behind on our sacrifices, leaving Neptune no option but to RELEASE THE KRAKEN
Do the citizens of the Bottled City Of Kandor have nothing better to do than to celebrate Supergirl's birthday? Well, to be honest, no, they do not.
Finally, a gift every teenager can appreciate, a room of her very own. Even if it's decorated with photos of her home planet exploding. Let's leave Supergirl to enjoy her new private room and not even ask why it includes a life size statue of herself or why the Fortress Of Solitude seems to have themed rooms as if it was the Flamingo in Vegas, or indeed why they call it the Fortress of Solitude if Superman keeps inviting everybody he knows to visit all the time. I bet Doc Savage wishes he never even let Superman use the name!
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