A good marriage is built on a solid foundation of love, trust, communication, and, according to Charlton romance comics, a healthy dose of suspicion. Don't believe us? Just watch this little drama play out!

A newly sullen husband, unexplained late nights, always tired, lipstick on his shirt collar- who is she, this mystery woman? Well, if that's her name on this issue of "Just Married", she's "Dunbee" or "Pam Bill," it's hard to tell. Whoever she is, she's caused treasured memories to become heart-stabbing knives, which can only mean she's one of Professor Xavier's mutants using her powers for evil!

I'll give it to Walt, he's probably telling the truth. If he was trying to hide an affair he wouldn't be all like "oh yeah, that's from some chick from the office we were in a bar with" because THAT, friends, is EXACTLY what an affair sounds like. Now turn it off, drizzle-puss! Whatever that means!

But Beth isn't going to take this lying down! Her plan to fix that darn husband the best breakfast he ever had - grapefruit, eggs, bacon, coffee, and muffs - MUFFS? - is sadly smashed to pieces when the vital ingredient - doughnuts - is conspicuous by its absence. Remember doughnuts, ladies - they're the key to the perfect breakfast! Not muffs.

Beth's breakfast plan isn't the only thing getting smashed to pieces this morning!

Time for Plan B - get down to that office, find that brunette chick, and punch her lights out! Oh yeah, and take Walt to lunch and find out why he doesn't love you any more.

But once at the office Beth learns that Walt hasn't been flirting with the office help, he's been flirting with DEATH!

Walt's hypochondria, or WebMD, or something, has convinced Walt he's dying. So he'll drive his wife away and her potential heartbreak of watching him die will be replaced by her heartbreak of being kicked to the curb for no reason. Yeah, that's a great plan, Walt.

Well, if trying to drive one's spouse away with irrational anger and coldness is the nicest thing any man ever tried to do for his wife, I'm just gonna go ahead and give up, because there's no way I can top that. You win, Walt.

After this orgy ENDS, Mr. Condon, I'm ready to give you my verdict! I'd say the kissing is about an 8.5 and I'm going to have to give your groping a mere 5.5. Better luck next time. Oh yeah, and you aren't dying, it's just your appendix. Which is inflamed, and could possibly rupture and kill you, so maybe you ARE dying?

And Walt is SO ANGRY at NOT being able to mansplain his way right into the graveyard that he's right back to being a grumpy jerk! Let this be a lesson to you, ladies! Don't get marrried. Why, just look at what's happening with this next couple!

Wait, what? I'm where? In a CHURCH? Getting MARRIED? What the HELL is going on? How did I get here? Did I suffer a traumatic brain injury? Have I lost all short term memory like Guy Pearce in "Memento"? Am I marrying Guy Pearce? Please God let it be Guy Pearce!!

Oh, I'm marrying this guy becaue I love him more than life itself! THAT's why. Makes sense, I guess. And that's good love advice!

You know what I always say when people ask about love advice, I tell them there's only one man they need to go to when they need love advice, and that's none other than Jonnie Love himself! Why, here he is now with an important message.

In a teen club, Jonnie Love (the "o" is a heart!) overhears a conversation! Not the one about "hey, who's that clearly not-a-teenager wandering around our teen club eavesdropping on us?" but another conversation. About drugs.


Glue, pills, bennies, reds, yellowjackets, "zips", "frog", "mary jane", "ice", heroin, morphine, robo-tripping, smack, horse, goof balls, dexies, peruvian marching powder, Special K, Vitamin E, and Angel Dust (PCP), they're all red hot blazing fire than can wreck your life! Especially if you don't let that heroin cool down in the spoon before you shoot up, let me tell you, that really smarts!

Drug abusers NEVER live successful lives! I don't care WHAT you heard about the Beatles or Keith Richards or any number of performance enhancing drug abusing sports figures! Their lives are empty, friendless, and driven only to satisfy their insane craving for drugs, drugs, and more drugs! It's up to you two teens, who were possibly only discussing heating pads for their tired feet, which ache from a long season in the high school marching band, or maybe they were talking about aspirin or Bufferin. The important part is that they're convinced! Are YOU?! Now put a giant flower on your mini-dress and get outta this teen club, you crazy kids!

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