The planet -Earth! The city - Anytown USA! Like all cities on the face of this planet, Anytown is losing the battle against man's deadliest enemies, waste and pollution! Despite the efforts of local and world governments, the air, the sea, and the land may soon lose their ability to support life of any kind! Who will help? The oil companies that's who! Or their marketing departments, anyway.
From the Men Who Wear The Star At Texaco, it's the exciting adventures of Captain WOW, perhaps the only petroleum corporate recycling and waste management mascot to ever have at least two issues of his own comic book AND the promotional budget to pay for an actor to put on a Captain WOW costume and entertain kids at gas station openings! Will Captain WOW be able to survive the attack of the low-budget Darth Vader? Is the Overlord of Waste really "mad"? Did the writers spend at least an hour trying to explain the Eugene O'Neill reference in the title? And who exactly put the sticker of the Pink Power Ranger in the upper right corner of this copy, and why?
Well let's get right to the facts about Captain WOW. Yes, WOW is always capitalized! This helps Captain WOW promote environmental stewardship to the employees of Star Enterprises, which is, or was, a joint venture between Texaco and Saudi Refining Incorporated. Who says we can't get along with the Middle East? The 15 Commandments are the rules Captain WOW brought down from Mount Texaco to ensure that all Star Enterprises employees are committed to being environmental stewards (when they're on the clock). They WILL have all valve, pump seal, and flange leaks controlled! They SHALL NOT draw tank bottoms to the ground! They SHALL NEVER allow a flare to smoke more than five minutes for every hour! It's with these important and, unless you work in the oil and gas industry, entirely confusing commandments that we will protect the earth from pollution, or low-budget Darth Vaders, whichever comes first.
We're coming into the adventure of Captain WOW after his first issue, so we missed his first victory over the evil Overlord of Waste (or OW as he's known in the text). Now Captain WOW and his faithful robot companion Recycle Too are just kicking back, taking it easy, growing their forelocks out to ridiculous Misfits length, and raking in the big bucks from promoting Texaco on the side of a gigantic spaceship. Beat that, Gulf!
Captain WOW must find a way to get every person on Earth personally involved in his various recycling and waste minimization schemes! And if it takes a secretive United Nations mind-control conspiracy known only as "Alternative Three" or "Agenda 21" as the kids call it these days, well, then so be it.
Meanwhile in a man-cave somewhere on Earth, OW is about to reconcile himself to his new life as a lamp. On the plus side, maybe he'll get to hang out with that sexy lamp from "A Christmas Story!"
Jack could have waited until Saturday morning and taken OW to the county dump, but no, he just throws OW in the back of his Sanford & Son pickup and prepares to ignore the "no dumping" sign for the eighteenth time.
Captain WOW's Illegal Dumping Sense is tingling! Quick, get down to Earth, somebody might be throwing away something great and we want first crack at it!
I wonder if Recycle Too was an actual radio-controlled prop, or if they hired a kid or a little person to sit inside the robot shell and move around and work the claws when they did personal appearances. I'm hoping it was a radio controlled prop. That thing looks uncomfortable. The Captain's motorcycle helmet doesn't look that fun either, but at least it disguises your face so when your friends pull up at the service station they don't know it's you handing out "Captain WOW" comics.
Captain WOW and Recycle Too step up their efforts to re-green the Earth, slowly planting one tree at a time with the help of some of the... shall we say, more remedial fourth graders. Keep working there Captain WOW and Beth, in a year you might get close to replacing the output of one shift's worth of industrial tree harvesting!
SHAMED BY ROBOTS
It would be great if we could blame this all on the Overlord of Waste, but let's face it, those lazy jerks down at County Code Enforcement are equally to blame. Do your job! What do we pay you for anyway?
What's fascinating to me is how these Wastoids and their Overlord are able to gain power from the accumulation of trash, and it appears "trash" can be pretty much anything that anybody throws away casually. To be precise, it is exactly this casual disregard that seems to transform items from their ordinary state into the power-giving "trash". Thus, the real power here is the amazing ability of human beings to NOT care, the blissful state of not giving a crap. Who knew it was so vital? Why not start not caring today?
Look, I know Captain WOW is here to fight waste and pollution, but he IS an oil company mascot and there's no way he's NOT going to have a totally awesome car that can fly and never needs to pass emissions tests. Don't you wish you had a boss ride like Captain WOW?
Garbage makes you big and strong, kids. Eat some garbage today! Don't you want to tower over all the other children in school?
That's right, OW, go on and take over the Earth and drive the humans away. Those humans that you need to wastefully throw things away, because that's how you... get your power... Maybe you haven't quite thought this plan all the way through.
Here's a handy tip: make ANY piece OF dialogue read like the word balloons IN a terrible self-PUBLISHED comic book merely BY emphasizing the wrong WORDS!
It seems Captain WOW is really good at getting beat the hell up. WOW, you stink.
As we see here, when waste and trash is carefully separated and categorized, its "trash" power is reduced by a significant margin. Finally, those of us with obsessive-compulsive disorders have found our mission in life!
Also you can shoot him with a ray beam, that works too. But removing and sorting the trash, that's the best way to shrink evil. So remember, if it's all arranged neatly, it's NOT TRASH, which is what I keep telling the fire inspector about my giant piles of old newspapers! I might need them someday!
I wish I was lucky enough to visit Captain WOW's gigantic time travelling Silent Running film set! Right now I'm trying to figure out exactly what planet they're looking at, because Earth seems to be behind them. If only I was there!
Hey gang, here's what YOU can do to be a good steward of the environment! Work hard, you can make a difference, make Earth's stewardship a vital part of your lifestyle, and try really hard not to think about how one tanker spill or refinery fire on Texaco's part can undo all your hard work.
And yes, I know what you're asking, was there a costume mascot suit for OW, our bargain-bin Darth Vader? Sure there was!
Fun fact: "OW" is what the sweaty minimum-wage temp worker will say when you punch him in the belt buckle!
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