Ah, Detective Comics, home of beloved comics characters like Batman & Robin, Martian Manhunter, and... also home to this guy. Roy Raymond, TV Detective, in what has to be his dumbest adventure ever, and we're talking about a guy who re-appeared in Swamp Thing in the 80s. Now you may well ask, does he play a detective on TV, or does he actually detect TVs? The answer is yes.

Our story begins with one balding guy calling another balding guy an old goat, and tricking him into signing over his will. The aging doctor is quite wealthy, what with all that medical journal money rolling in all the time. Boring so far, right? Bear with me, this shit gets wild.

After an unspecified period of time, the doc dies and our remaining baldy is having a great time gloating to the family he's swindled out of millions of dollars. He's got such a boner for these ill-gotten gains that he's gonna convert it all into cash, just to swim in it like Scrooge McDuck, and maybe masturbate on it, also like Scrooge McDuck.

AHHH my money's come alive, or more accurately, the people represented on American currency have come alive, and they're not here to teach us about the values of thriftiness, hard work, and honesty, but rather to harangue criminals who steal from wealthy failsons and fail daughters.

Ones, fives, and hundreds? I realize he wanted to go swimming in cash, but did he really plan on filling his house with piles of $1 bills? Maybe there wasn't as much money in that fortune as he'd thought.

btw don't swim in cash. The stuff's filthy. Even pre-Covid 19, that'd be a really bad idea.

So, your money's come to life and... they won't let you near your money. Which is themselves. OK, I know when I'm being plagued by either ghosts or inanimate pieces of paper that have come to life, the first person I think of is a detective from the TV. Get 'em, Quincy!!

They're here, all right, and you can only see them with the lights off, and if you feel a hand on your thigh it's probably Ben Franklin!

Hamilton and Washington? Ah, geez, they're gonna start singin' and rappin' and dancin', aren't they? Preeeeety sure that's actually Redd Foxx, not Lincoln, too.

Ha, good luck getting Grant to duck in time to miss that book, even as a money ghost he's three sheets to the wind.

OH IT WAS A TRICK ALL ALONG AND THEY WOULD'VE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT IF... wait, this isn't how that works. It's supposed to be the bad guy who uses rubber masks and phosphorescent paint to trick detectives, not the other way around, and the detectives are supposed to be teenagers, and they're supposed to have a dog, not a Karen. Who wants to travel around in a van with a Karen?

Martin thought he was playing a long con, but he was one-upped by Roy, playing an even longer con by setting up a room in the house to be haunted by money, and then hoping Martin would be stupid enough to take the advice of the people he'd swindled and ask a TV detective for help instead of... I dunno, anyone else? Like, a real person, not a TV guy?

But how was this stunning Scooby Doo-esque feat pulled off? The truth is it makes Scooby Doo seem like an HBO crime documentary.

How could Grant's head painted on a lampshade and Abe Lincoln painted on drapes fool anyone? Was US Grant known for having a normal size head and a tall, skinny body? No, but he was the life of the party, so I guess painting his head on a lampshade makes sense, which is more than I can say for what follows.

Ah, yes, the old "paint outlines of Ben Franklin over a beefy guy in a suit, then turn out the lights bit! Oldest trick in the book. Outlines.

Don't swim in money kids.

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