Today we ask you to cast your mind back to a time when the big cities weren't shiny playgrounds for the rich and entitled. When urban decay and blight roamed the land, when collapsing slums and decrepit brownstones were real estate nightmares. A time before Uber drivers clogged the streets. Was there such a time?
Yes! Just look at this mid-century hellscape, devoid of charm, character, or human life of any kind. Well, what do you expect, judging from this picture it looks like the city was built it in about six feet of water.
But time was Dread End was a happier place, filled with life and people and families and kids happily playing in the street, until one day... wait, what are those two kids doing?
Pretty sure those kids are huffing airplane glue. As we said, filled with life! Now on with our story. Until... one day...
Suddenly a rash of child abductions strikes the soon-to-be-called Dread End! Also somebody is littering empty human wrappers, but this is mid-century America, everybody littered.
Remember this is the best police department in the world! They're used to dealing with ordinary run-of-the-mill maniacs, which apparently abound in this city that has the best police department in the world, wait a minute.
This specific piece we're just going to title "White Flight" and it explains the hollowed-out cores of America's big cities, which then became ripe targets for Starbucks, Urban Outfitters, and, uh, Target.
Look, I know we all felt bad when Minnesota got knocked out of the playoffs, but there's always next year, lady!
(that's the baseball joke. Thank you!)
The city finally bowed to the inevitable, evacuated the remaining residents, and spared no expense in protecting the public from whatever child-snatching horror lurked on that city street... by borrowing that post and chain barrier from the movie theater down the street. Oh, and there's a little sign. That'll keep us safe!
Finally whites (in the form of Jimmy White here) return to the inner city! I bet you thought I was kidding when I said this story was totally a metaphor for white flight. They aren't even being subtle about it.
Jimmy is facing the unknown with only a police whistle. What's he going to do, call offsides? Yellow-card the whatever it is?
Sure, it's a giant hand coming out of a sewer, it's a sewer hand, they're everywhere, what's the big deal?
These captions read like Dell Comics was paying somebody to write descriptive video. Does this comic book come with closed captioning and alternate audio tracks?
An ugly hand groping, searching, searching, groping... sounds like your last date at the drive-in, am I right ladies?
It's a two-speed monster, either it slowly gropes or it quickly shoots. No in-between!
Tired of those old cheap metal trash cans crunching like tissue paper? Rubbermaid 50 gallon trash cans are built tough and will hold up to whatever abuse those sewer hands can dish out! Rubbermaid. For when the sewer claws come for you!
THE SEWER HAND FOUND YOU JIMMY! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! Because it's a sewer hand, it's probably really, really stinky.
He ducked and dodged that sewer hand but it looks like this is the end for our intrepid Jimmy White! Nothing can save you now, Jimmy!
I imagine Jimmy's been saved, but what's really saved here is the artist, from having to draw anything in this panel except a little note to the letterer reading "put lots of gunfire here, thanks"
Wow! Sharp-eyed Jimmy on the search for the monster completely failed to notice the squads of heavily armed police on their years-long stakeout for the Sewer Hand, which apparently is just a monster that lives in the sewers, crushes victims, absorbs their bodily essences, and gives cops a quiet assignment for years and years until Jimmy shows up and ruins everything. Way to go Jimmy.
"We knew it was there all the time, and we pretty much used you as bait, Jimmy. No hard feelings I hope. Yeah, giant child-absorbing sewer monsters are a thing. Have fun avoiding those manholes on your way home, and for the rest of your life!"
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