When the Europeans first came to North America, they found a land rich with the bounties of nature and blessed with abundance. Unfortunately, it was already spoken for. That didn't stop various waves of colonizers, however, who through means both fair and foul managed to wrest this continent and its amazing natural wonders from its previous landlords, who almost overnight were transformed from frightening savages into quaint nature children, at one with the earth in ways the civilized White Man could never understand. It wasn't long before they were cartoon sports mascots, faithful sidekicks, or beautiful maidens doomed to sell butter or be sacrificed to the gods. Let's watch!

Remember, this book CAN NOT be purchased ANYWHERE but in Niagara Falls. If you bought this book ANYWHERE ELSE, please report to the kiosk out in front of the Castle Dracula Wax Museum or find the guy selling discount Marineland tickets in front of the Rainforest Cafe, and we'll put you to work sweeping up in the Ripley's Believe It Or Not. Yes, Niagara Falls is kinda touristy! But it wasn't always this tacky. No, once upon a time, beautiful unclothed Indian maidens applied their Indian cosmetics and appeared in the mist above the falls as loincloth-clad braves saluted their freedom from restrictive European clothing. Dare we learn the story of the "Maid Of The Mist?" Not the boat, but the actual maid?

Legend has it that the Seneca Indians sacrificed a young woman each autumn! Well, we're gonna be up front about this: this here legend is one hundred percent nonsense made up by white peoples. The nations of the Iroquois Confederacy did not practice human sacrifice. But if they didn't, well, how are we gonna justify showing a cheesecakey Indian maiden shrieking as she plummets to her death over Niagara Falls? Answer me that.

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And thus the eternal rivalry between the Buffalo Bills and the Chicago Bears was born, from a trivial berry patch raid. (Buffalo is close to Niagara Falls, you see)

Wow, one arrow! That's a good shot there Morning Star. Me, I'd just let the bear have as many berries as it wants.

Now I know what everybody's thinking. Why don't Wenonah and Morning Star get married BEFORE the harvest celebration, and then as a married woman she'll be exempt from the human sacrifice (which is, again, a thing that never happened)? Well, they already put a deposit down on the caterer, and they already sent out the invitations. That's why.

OK comic, first you're telling us how smart the Indians were to fertilize their crops with dead fish, and now you're telling us they had "scant agricultural knowledge" AND throwing shade at cornmeal? Fine, let me take away your Buick and your McDonalds and we'll see what kind of a six-nation confederation YOU keep fed.

I suppose if you live in upstate New York and you don't wear pants you're going to want to spend a lot of time inside your longhouse, trying to figure out a way to keep your legs warm.

"Yup, waiting until after the harvest to get married, gonna be great, sure hope nothing terrible happens BEFORE the harvest, wouldn't that be ironic"

Hey guys, you could just get some bears, apparently they are really easy to kill. One arrow. Saw it done myself a few pages back! Lots of good eating on a bear.

As we all know the Indians lived in harmony with nature, which is why they built forts with 24 hour guards. For better harmony. Nothing's more harmonious than someone who knows they're being watched!

Chief Lights On Fire here is demonstrating the first rule of woodland safety, which is to never leave a fire unattended. Especially when the fire is that of a victim you've unspeakably tortured.

Bows and arrows? Boiling water? Rocks? Come on, comic book, this is the perfect chance to teach impressionable comic book reading youth all about the atlatl, and how powerfully they increase the impact of a thrown spear, and how easy they are to make, and... okay, maybe no atlatls, some kid will put an eye out.

Tom Hardy and Gwynneth Paltrow in THE MAID OF THE MIST STORY, coming soon to a theater near you. In this scene, somebody in post-production forgot to adjust Gwynneth's skin tone.

At last the harvest is safe. But of course there's always that looming human sacrifice tomorrow! Maybe we should get married right now? No?

And to the surprise of absolutely no one, Wenonah is chosen to be sacrificed to the Great Spirit! And she was only one week from retirement.

Sure, this is a solemn occasion when THEY do it. When *I* get out on the Niagara River in a canoe, it's nothing but "oh my god" and "call the rescue chopper" and "are you insane." Double standard much?!

Remember, Indian women never flinch at death. What we see here isn't flinching per se, it's more like, say, a mild surprise.

And the legendary spirit of that sacrificed Indian maiden is said to be constantly present in the mist of Niagara Falls, which is why they make you wear that raincoat! Who wants legendary maiden spray all over their nice clothes? Not me! And that's the end of that particular non-myth, repeat, the Iroquois did NOT practice human sacrifice. The ACTUAL Haudenosaunee legend about the falls and the maiden who went over them? It has a thunder god and a giant snake in it! Where's THAT comic book, Niagara Falls Tourist Bureau??

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