Science is full of examples of pioneering visionaries who refused to be held back by conventional theories or stultifying dogmas. Thinkers unbound by institutional restraints as they seek to expand the frontiers of knowledge, whatever the cost. Singular geniuses exploring uncharted areas of knowledge with only skill and intuition to guide them, regardless of personal or professional consequences.

And then there's Dr. Crager, who just wants to watch TV. Why won't you let him watch TV, flashing monkey head?

"It can't be! After all these years, I've found him - the perfect candidate for my remake of "Lance Link, Secret Chimp"!

Ah yes, the good old days when criminals faced real consequences. A college scandal meant you had to change your name, leave town in disgrace, and go on TV with a "calculating animal" act. Harsh, but fair!

Now I know what you're saying, reader. You're saying that at relativistic speeds, oncoming visible light would be blueshifted into X-ray frequences and visible (reflected stellar) light given off by any one planetary object would be seen as an indistinct blur, indistinguishable from stars, other planets, background galactic radiation and everything else. Well, don't you think a guy who developed a faster-than-light spaceship and new alloys would have thought of that when he designed a navigation mechanism that's, let's see, based on what moths do around streetlights? Huh?

I'll let the more scientifically inclined spend time poking holes in this script's casual creation of unseen planets a mere eighty-six million miles from Earth. Me, I'm just flabbergasted at anyone who can, in this situation, resist using the word "monkeying" instead of "toying." It's SO OBVIOUS

Hey Crager, when you had that crew in to put all this stuff together, they asked you if you wanted it ape-proofed. But no, you had to cheap it out, didn't you?

So his amazing space drive is so great that the tiniest error in calculation means you inevitably wind up vaporized in the hot plasma of the brightest stars, or crash into Planet Las Vegas. That's disconcerting, to say the least.

And hey, why recruit your universe-conquering army on boring old Earth? The people you're pretty sure live on that planet you've never visited will be totally better at universe-conquering!

Let's see. Help a madman build a fleet of advanced space warships to dominate the solar system, causing destruction, misery, and the deaths of untold millions - or have it be known you were half of the team of "Professor Mystic and Jocko"? Tough call.

Light-speed drive, stellar photonic direction equipment, pressure suits, anti-radiation gear, ape leash. Check!

You could have just given that monkey a Playskool Busy Box and he'd be perfectly occupied, but no, it's always chains with these would-be galactic conquerors.

Why, they've found the Planet Of... Dinosaurs! We've gone from grade-B 1950s suspense comic to grade-Z 1970s sci-fi movie. And if you've ever seen the movie "Planet Of Dinosaurs" you know this is NOT an improvement.

TAME dinosaurs? they've landed on Planet Bedrock and they're down by Slate Rock and Gravel Company. Wait for quitting time and watch the bizarre dinosaur-sliding rituals of the locals!


It's a little known axiom of sound urban planning - the bigger the cave, the bigger the city.

Okay, so maybe Noxis isn't going to supply you with an interstellar invasion force. But it's a great location for the next re-boot of... what was that movie with the apes? Dunston Checks In, that's it

An entire planet of monkeys dressed like movie theater ushers; imagine the fear they'll strike into the hearts of the galaxy! Taking tickets, shining flashlights, gibbering "Chuck chuck chuck" all the time like demented squirrels!

Uh oh, turns out if you mistreate one ape, you mistreat ALL apes, and then they rip you limb from limb, because they're really strong. Don't mess with apes!

Trying to lay a sick burn on ape society because they never dreamed of a light-directed spacecraft. That's a thing you could do, I guess

How could these controls have been changed? Who was in here goofing around, or messing up, or, dare we say it, monkeying with these controls?? WHO I ASK YOU?

Not only does this 1959 story predate Pierre Boulle's 1963 novel "Planet Of The Apes", it predates Pink Floyd's 1968 song "Set The Controls For The Heart Of The Sun"!! How much of our cultural heritage stems from this forgotten nonsense story about light-seeking spaceships and vengeful calculating monkeys? Are stupid comics the foundation of our entire society? We say YES.

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