Are you ready? I don't think you're ready. Are you sure? Are you certain you're ready to confront the reality that our dimension has been invaded by horrifying powers from outside our universe, and that the only force that can stop them is, or wil be, manifested by something called "The Kosmotic"?
See, I didn't think you were ready. Nobody could be! I mean, these are Humants we're talking about here! Humants that are The Kosmotic Manifested! And also Limited Collectors Editioned! Well, now that you're fully prepped, let's get into this thing.
So first off Humants are NOT MUTANTS and we want to make it VERY CLEAR that this is NOTHING LIKE the mutants you see in other comics, that the enigmatic force of the Khosmotic empowers people and "re-creates" (NOT mutates) them into Khosmotic Warriors and NOT mutants. Have we made our point? Good. Thank you.
Aw man, it's one of those long skinny panels with stuff happening at the top and bottom. They really interrupt the flow of the narrative! Also they're really hard to make fun of.
There, that makes it easier to draw your attention to the caption where we're told what a megalopolis is, and how it is indeed part of a world. Who says you can't learn things you already knew from comics?
He is Omnispawn, and he drove a Scion all the way from the Residuum Dimension straight through the Khosmotic Conjunction? That's a long trip, man!
In case you hadn't noticed, much of the narrative motion of this particular comic will be these captions explaining everything in florid, overwrought language that is constantly tripping over itself in an attempt to sound important. For such was, and is, its mandate.
Has your Khosmotic glory been violated? Have holistic barriers been breached or molested? The law firm of Omnispawn is HERE TO HELP
"You know whereunto I speak? That I discourse upon what was (sound of pages of thesaurus flipping) illegitimately wrested once I have sensed your (flip, flip) approaching appearance?"
It's ALL like this, gang. The whole comic. Buckle up.
Not gonna lie, that "Land sakes!" threw me there for a minute. It's bizarre, but only by normal human standards!
Devlin went into the Khosmotic Conjunction, swiped a gooey chunk of Khosmenergy in such a manner that it became perverted, and is about to rip up our dimension's moral fiber with his blastin' eye beams. And this is how Larry Flynt started Hustler Magazine.
And as an old space wizard is blasted off a megalopolis rooftop, we have a title for our story. "Epoch" is defined as "a division of geologic time less than a period and greater than an age" but let me tell ya, this one is going to feel like it's lasting more towards the "age" kind of thing.
Yeah, you told us already.
Not only does he draw his power from the forces that created the entire universe, but he also observes every possible rule of etiquitte and protocol. Because that's what "propriety" means, guys.
ART TIPS FROM THE PROS - Remember to check the proportions of your human figures to ensure that your characters aren't afflicted with "short leg" syndrome. Don't think it won't happen to you!
Truly, Omnispawn must make quick work - sorry, must need make a quick work - of recruiting Khosmotic Warriors. So let's spend lots of time wandering around the city babbling nonsense about perpetuities and integral fibers!
Ah yes, the Five Lakes Megalopolis, made up of Municiple City, Civac Center, Gobermenton and Authoriburg, thriving cities made up for somebody's role-playing game campaign so their super-hero characters will have somewhere to leap around in that is similar to, yet not exactly Detroit. And I don't blame them!
Magistar has been under tutelage and in training for his special ability, which we're led to believe is based upon parading around the city. Sure, this might come in handy on St. Patrick's Day, maybe, but other than that?
Back in the day, having a "khosmotic endowment" led one to at least consider a career in the adult film industry.
Here we are, page ten, the artist has given up on realistic backgrounds and is just filling space with random geometric shapes.
And that's why they call Municiple City "The City Of Cubes." Because it is!
Never say "and so ventured forth to herald them here to our location" when you could just say "HEY YOU GUYS, OVER HERE"
We're now in the part of the comic book that features a lot of leaping onto rooftops, and a reminder that living in a city populated by super hero types means a lot of work for roof repair businesses.
Remember that time you were playing Dungeons & Dragons and you really wanted to put Spider-Man into your campaign? This comic does!
I'm fine with things that would imperil humanity - until it becomes detrimental. That's where I draw the line!
He's the Herald and he wants to know what he is, why he is, and from where he came. Also why this meeting has to take place on a rooftop in the middle of the night, instead of in, say, a Starbucks in the afternoon. Or, you know, this could have just been a Zoom call.
And REMEMBER you are NOT MUTATIONS, you are partakers of that which the Khosmotic Itself is made up of. NOT MUTANTS! STOP CALLING THEM MUTANTS, WHOEVER IS DOING THAT OUT THERE!!!
Here the caption helpfully informs us that the downtown cores of large cities are made up of large buildings. Gee, thanks Humants, all this time I thought big cities were nothing but vacant lots and single family homes. You have really opened our eyes, Humants.
Now let's move on to where an innovative, controversial genius has purchased a struggling company and transformed it into an amazing financial success story. So, OBVIOUSLY not OUR world.
Devlin tries here to express contempt for his ass-kissing subordinate by describing him as "idolistic," which isn't a word, and then throwing the word "refractory" around as if he knows what it means. Which he does not.
I know what you're thinking, you're thinking that NO epidermally-casted synthoid shell-coated fabric could be superior to that of bio-synthesis. Well you are wrong! And confused, just like me!
When you hear the blaring sonics of a pained "vocalage" (which is, no lie, an album by MC Freeflow) you know something "phenominal" is about to happen! It is of no wonder, you might say.
"It's All So Glorious Yet So Wrong, So Terribly Horrifying" - a fairly apt description of this entire comic book
Devlin vanished into a "gapping" portal, which I can only assume has something to do with ensuring the correct distance between the central and side electrodes of your typical automobile spark plug. This of course leaves the air charged with pungent odors of unearthly energies, oh my jesus, somebody open a window.
I got news for you pal, this reality is already suffering on account of your presence, here in this tedious comic book.
Remember what we were saying earlier about paying more attention to the leg portion of the anatomy of your super-characters so they don't look all weird and stumpy? Yeah, try doing that. And as he prepares to "lay waste of worlds", we would like to bring to your attention the fact that we are only on page TWENTY of a SIXTY-FOUR page assault on coherence and common sense, and that there is absolutely no way we're looking at any more of this comic book right now.
You've won, Humants. You have beaten us... for now. Remember - they're NOT MUTANTS!
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