Merry Christmas, everybody! What's that? Christmas has been over for a while now? Well, we here are still in that Christmas spirit and are still playing with our toys - some of which came with their very own comic books!
Legions Of Power was a Tonka toy line that came about when execs looked at what kids were playing with, which was either four-inch GI Joe figures, or transformable machine robots, and those execs said "what if we gave kids transformable machines AND four-inch soldiers?" Well, you'll have a failed toy line, that's what. This mutant combination of Zoids, Tinker Toys, Go-Bots, and M.A.S.K. sat on shelves until they were cleared out for more Care Bears. But let no one say Tonka didn't try everything to get kids interested in their Power Legions. They even produced an Adventure Comic Book, free with every set!
Here's the story of the Legions Of Power, it's basically what happens because we can't stop shooting probes into every quadrant of the sky. Eventually one of them is going to explode and litter high-tech junk all over intelligent life, which will then use that technology as the basis of a failed toy line.
Men! Having problems "down there?" Ask your doctor about Prolon. They'll make sure you have a functional unit. You can bet Wartech has them!
Wartech, by the way, is not the War Institute Of Technology, but is the leader of the Tech Dynasty on the planet Konn. Let's pour one out for that one guy at Tonka who didn't know kids in 1986 regarded "Nimrod" as an insult and not a historical reference.
Now it's a race between Konn and Prolon to see who can weaponize this NASA junk the fastest. You're welcome, distant galaxy!
Wartech holds a weird grudge against people he likely has never had any contact with whatsoever. I guess they've been fighting online?
This really takes me back to 1986 when we knew that just putting the word 'computer' in a description meant anything could happen, because computers are simply magic.
This is unbelievable! You expect kids to play with toys that transform from Janky Wussmobile to Paul Blart, Robo Mall Cop?
The inspiring form of a fire hydrant crossed with a mobility chair, that's what the kids are all excited about these days, huh Tonka.
Poor Nimrod, he does all the work creating the greatest battlefleet of what appear to be sausages equipped with toilet plungers of all time, but Wartech gets all the glory.
I have to say that I always love to see this pose, this "villain gestures dramatically with Jack Kirby hands" pose. Now! Into your vehicles!
The deadly fleet of Lebarons and Eldorados, Sunfires and Lincoln Town Cars blasts into space.
You can almost see the excited hands of the children re-conforming their Prolon Star Legion Space Fighters (with glow-in-the-dark parts!) into Attack Mode!
"They convert to Attack Mode? Well WE will convert to Invasion Mode!"
I can't decide if this is a Zakk Attack or if they intend to Attack The Zakk. Either one's fine, I guess
Within moments the skies above Prolon are ablaze with one of those great toy-license battles - lots of kids hollering "WHOOOM" and "KABLAMMO" but nobody gets hurt.
Imagine the hours of fun your children will have converting from attack mode to battle mode and back again, and then forgetting which is which!
Just when I had all these modes figured out, they throw another mode at us. Curse you Tonka!
Turns out if your battle mode power-legion vehicle isn't connected to wifi or a cellular signal and you didn't reboot the touchscreen by holding both thumb wheels, you might have power steering failures, disabled tail lights, and latch issues causing front hoods to open without warning! No, wait a minute, those are problems with Teslas.
It's always like this. Every time you try to adjust your battle mode weapons systems, Windows wants to update. Come on, little spinny wheel!
Wartech's about to fire when ready! That doesn't mean he's actually about to fire! It just means he's in a situation where firing is a possibility! Sorry if I deflated the drama of this moment a little! It's actually very serious!
Battle Mode includes Synchronized Repair And Fakey Suspense Elimination Capability, merely one of the amazing powers of the Legion Of Power.
And with the Tech Dynasty invasion shattered, it's time to re-re-re-conform to Escape Mode, which is exactly like Invasion Mode, except facing the other way.
"I underestimated you Jeffron, but I won't make that mistake again! I'll make DIFFERENT mistakes!"
That's right, you didn't just buy some weird clearance-aisle toys, you are now committed to a lifetime of watching the skies for another Tech Dynasty invasion force, along with your army of Star Legions! So get practicing those modes, kids.
Reighnor! Jondice! Rob-Bart! Jeffron! These are the names of the valiant Legions Of Power fighters whose adventures you now bring to life every time you awkwardly attempt to jam pieces of molded plastic together. Watch for Lt. Douglar (TM) as he's marked down to seventy nine cents and thrown into the clearance bin, as Toys R Us, and indeed the entire toy industry, attempts to forget this line ever existed.
But exist it did, even though we here at Mister Kitty would never have known about it if not for the efforts of our pal Matt B. who made these comics available to us, last holiday season. Which is why we still say, merry Christmas, and thank you Matt!
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